Thursday, March 24, 2011

It's my birthday and I'll cry if I want to!

Self-portraits I shot at WPPI in Las Vegas in February:



Today is my birthday. I turn a year younger again this year. (Ahem.)
And life isn't really what I planned it to be.

I think a lot of us can say that from year to year, but this last year for me has been particularly awful. I have accomplished some great things in my business, but my personal life is about as far from what I thought it would be as possible.

A year ago, I thought I would be spending this day, today, with my partner. Hopefully, by today, or soon from today, that person would be my husband. The man who loved me, thought I was beautiful and would be with me forever. ( A love quote I don't think I'll ever forget.)

I thought we would be getting ready to start our family. I thought we would be immensely happy. I never thought that when he promised he would be with me for forever that what that really meant was until he ceased to exist.

That I would be spending this day, a year from then, alone, lonely, and praying that I never have to go through the heartache and trauma that I have gone through these last seven months. I never would have thought a year ago, that I would be praying that I would always be alone from now on. Because today, I know that I can't handle this pain ever again.

A year from today, I can only hope that all of the hours I spend in therapy each month will have been effective enough for me to not feel this way anymore. That good things will have happened. That life will have changed. That I will know what it is to have personal happiness again, and not to just live it through my clients and their families.

Holding my client's sweet new baby girl this last week my heart lept with joy, and broke into a million pieces all at once.

Today is not a good day. And on not good days, there are things I cling to. This necklace I wear everyday now, my friends, my animals, sometimes my pound puppy. The inspirational words from someone who has had their own trial.

Something else that helps?
It has a clear religious message, and from a religion that is not even my own, but that doesn't mean that the words and feelings don't ring true for me. Or for other people for that matter. The universal human experience, in this case, of suffering, of overcoming hardship, can be felt, heard and related to no matter what you believe in... or don't believe in for that matter.

It's the human experience, and the knowledge that we are not alone that I will always take away from this video, and bring home to me with comfort.

The part that stays with me, late at night when I can't sleep? The part that stays with me, to comfort myself, to reassure myself that it will be coming someday for me too:


I can do hard things.

One day, I will believe this.

Someone else is also struggling with this right now, and if you have a minute, please take some time and see if you can help this local family.

And now we return to our regularly scheduled, less personal programming...

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